


Drawing a Blank

by tablelamp



Category: Night Court (TV)
Genre: Also some wisecracking, Amnesia, M/M, More comfort than hurt, because let's face it, with these two it's a given
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-07-17 07:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16090553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tablelamp/pseuds/tablelamp
Summary: "I don't remember.""That's not unusual.  A lot of times people don't remember hitting their--""No," Dan interrupts.  "I don't remember anything."





	1. Chapter 1

He opens his eyes to see a man's face hovering anxiously in his line of sight.

"Dan?" the man says, looking relieved.

"Apparently," he says. The name doesn't feel familiar to him, but if this person knows him as Dan, he's probably Dan.

The other man smiles, which looks like a more natural expression on his face than worry. "You okay?"

Is he okay? Dan's head hurts, and he feels as though there's something he's forgotten. "I...don't remember."

"Remember the twenty bucks you owe me?" A woman comes into view behind the man. She's got some kind of uniform on.

The man who asked if he was okay turns to her. "Flo."

The woman shrugs. "Worth a try."

The man turns back to Dan. "How do you feel?"

"My head aches." It's the first thing he's been sure of since he's awakened.

"I'm not surprised. You hit it pretty hard," the man says.

Dan tries to think back, to recall what happened. There's nothing there. "I don't remember."

"That's not unusual. A lot of times people don't remember hitting their--"

"No," Dan interrupts. "I don't remember anything."

There is an awful silence. The other man stares at him, aghast. "Do you know me?"

Dan tells the truth because it's all he knows. "I don't even know me." He can't come up with anything, and if he hadn't been told his name, he wouldn't know that either. He may as well not have existed before now.

The other man's expression softens, and he rests a hand on Dan's shoulder. Dan finds the touch comforting even though there's no logical reason he should. "I'm Harry. You're on the couch in my chambers."

"Chambers?" It's an unusual word, though he can't remember why.

Harry nods. "I'm a judge."

"Oh. I'm sorry." He probably should've known that.

Flo shakes her head. "He really is sick."

"Why are you sorry?" Harry asks.

Dan shakes his head, then winces at the pain. Harry's hand is still on his shoulder, and Dan reaches across his body to take Harry's hand. "Please...who am I?"

Harry's voice is gentle when he speaks. "Your name is Dan Fielding. You're a lawyer who works here in the courthouse."

Dan Fielding, and he's a lawyer. He needs to remember that. Dan gives Harry's hand a squeeze before letting go of it. "Thank you."

"Flo," Harry says, "can you see about getting another prosecutor in please?"

"You got it," Flo says, leaving to do that.

Harry moves as if to stand, but Dan feels a sudden wave of panic and reaches for Harry's arm. "Don't."

Harry sits, looking curious but not put off. "What is it?"

"If you go, I won't know anybody," Dan says. How will he know who to believe? What if he meets someone who means him harm? Even Flo, who he apparently works with, tried to get twenty dollars out of him. He won't know what's true. He won't remember.

There's no reason Harry should understand, but somehow he seems to. "You wouldn't know this, but this is my office. No one comes in unless I invite them to." Harry inclines his head toward the door. "I'll make your excuses to everyone, and if you're really worried, I'll have Bull stand guard outside the door."

Dan doesn't know Bull, but the name is promising. "You trust him?"

Harry nods.

Dan releases his grip on Harry's arm. "Okay."

Harry gives Dan a sympathetic smile. "I can't imagine how you're feeling, but you've got friends here. We'll help you through this."

Dan doesn't know Harry, not really...but he trusts him. "Thank you."

Harry half-smiles. "Get some rest. Sleep if you can. I'll be back to check on you."

Dan nods and tries not to look as uncertain as he feels. He wishes he could remember how to lie.


	2. Chapter 2

True to his word, Harry stations Bull outside his door and checks on Dan every few hours. Every time he looks in, Dan is either asleep or has his eyes closed. Harry manages to get through his shift somehow, but he's distracted much of the time...worried. Ordinarily, if Dan said he didn't remember anything, Harry would wonder if Dan were playing a prank, but Harry has never seen Dan so vulnerable before. He can't stop thinking about the way Dan reached for him in the other room, how openly Dan needed him. Even with no memory, Dan wants him around.

Christine corners Harry after court lets out. "How is he?"

"You know Dan," Harry says.

"I do. I also know you. And you didn't answer my question." Christine folds her arms and gives Harry an inquisitive look.

He should've known better. "He's feeling pretty bad right now."

"Flo says he lost his memory."

Harry wishes he had a deck of cards so he could do something with his hands. "Flo's right."

Christine looks sympathetic. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so," Harry says, "but I'll let you know."

Christine nods and starts toward the door. 

"Christine?"

She turns to face him.

"If you see him...be careful with him."

"It's that bad?" she asks.

Harry nods. "I think it is."

"Okay," Christine says. "What about you?"

"Me?" 

"Are you all right? Do you need anything?"

Harry smiles in spite of his worry. "I'm okay."

Christine looks suspicious. "Really?"

"I just. I worry a little."

She nods. "He'll be okay."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah." Harry nods, though he recognizes that he's trying to convince himself she's right. Christine's an optimist, and this is a moment where it would be better for Harry not to know that.

Christine gives Harry another suspicious look, but evidently decides not to press the point. "See you tomorrow."

"See ya," Harry says.

Bull's waiting when Harry returns to his chambers.

"Quiet in there," Bull says, his manner nonchalant. "No screaming."

Harry blinks. "Did you expect screaming?"

Bull looks at Harry as though he's the strange one. "You never _expect_ screaming."

"Right," Harry says. "Thanks, Bull. I appreciate the help. I'll take it from here."

"Okay," Bull says, heading off down the hall. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Harry says.

Harry tries to be quiet, but when he closes the door to his chambers, Dan wakes up with a start. It seems to take him a moment to recognize where he is.

"Harry," Dan says, looking relieved.

At least he's not forgetting anything new. "You about ready to go home?"

Dan looks suddenly shy. "I guess so."

Harry wonders if Dan is embarrassed that he doesn't know his address. "It's okay if you don't remember. I know where you live."

"Oh." Dan seems surprised. "Where I live? Not where we live?"

Harry realizes what Dan has assumed and gives Dan a rueful smile as he crosses to his desk to get his hat and coat. "I'd have told you before now. It wouldn't be a secret."

"I was so sure when I saw how comfortable you were with me," Dan says with utter candor. "And I wanted to rumple your hair so much I thought I might've done it already."

Harry almost drops his hat. Is this part of the head injury, or is Dan serious? Probably best not to be self-conscious about it--outwardly, anyway. "I wouldn't mind being rumpled one day. By the right person."

Dan smiles. "That's the tricky part, isn't it?"

"You're telling me," Harry agrees. "Do you think you can stand up?"

Dan sits up cautiously, then pushes himself into a standing position. He almost immediately loses his balance and falls onto the sofa. 

"I might need a little help," Dan says, his face mashed into a sofa cushion.

Harry moves to Dan. "Here, lean on me."

"Don't let me knock you over," Dan says.

"Don't worry. I'll call in reinforcements if I have to," Harry says, keeping his tone light. Part of him wishes he hadn't relieved Bull of his duties quite so quickly.

Dan is swaying like a sailor new to dry land, but they make it to the car all right.


	3. Chapter 3

All the way to his apartment, Dan expects to recognize something. His street, his building, his hallway...he expects it all to jog his memory, and none of it does.

Harry helps him inside his building, stopping outside Dan's apartment. "Do you have your key?"

Dan pats his pockets. "I should."

"If you don't, you'll have to stay with me," Harry says.

Hmm. "Oh, damn. No key," Dan deadpans.

He's not sure how Harry will respond to that, but Harry just grins. "Come on. Open up."

Dan nods, fishing his key from his pocket and unlocking his front door. Surely he'll remember his apartment, right? He lives there; there must be something inside he'll know by sight.

But when he turns on the light, he doesn't. It's just a bunch of furniture in a room he's never seen before. Dan wanders numbly into the apartment, shaky legs depositing him on the sofa.

"Dan?" Harry crosses the room to sit beside him.

Dan shakes his head. "This isn't my place."

Harry nods thoughtfully. "Then how come your key works?"

"That's not what I mean," Dan says. "I should know something...recognize something."

"Give yourself time. It's been less than a day."

"That shouldn't matter. This is my home. I live here, and I might as well be seeing it for the first time." Dan shakes his head, loss and dread and fear all mingling inside him. "I'm not Dan. I'm not anyone. I'm just a nothing in..." But he has to look down to check what he's wearing, which makes it worse. "...a three-piece suit."

"Hey, you are not nothing," Harry says, resting a hand on Dan's shoulder. "You're the same guy you always were; you just have a few blanks to fill in."

Dan sighs, staring at the floor. "I don't like it."

"I wouldn't either." Harry is quiet for a minute, and then he squeezes Dan's shoulder. It's nice...soothing. "You want me to stay and tell you funny stories about yourself?"

Dan glances at Harry, uncertain whether this is a joke or a serious offer. "You don't have to."

"I know," Harry says. "Come on. Just a couple stories."

Dan shrugs. "If you think it'll help."

"Couldn't hurt," Harry says.

"Wait a minute. I need to..." Dan tries to lean back on the sofa, but his balance and sense of direction are still screwed up from hitting his head, and he ends up pitching sideways into Harry, leaning heavily against him. "Whoops. Sorry."

"It's okay," Harry says. "Here..." He slides his hand across Dan's back, arm locking around his shoulders. "So you don't fall over."

He's being held. Harry is holding him. Seriously, with this level of touch going on, how are they not dating? Dan wonders if he's the one who's been standoffish, but if he had any inhibitions before, he doesn't remember them.

"Okay," Dan says, his body starting to relax as he settles against Harry. "Now that I'm not falling over, tell me something about...myself."

"I guess one of my favorites is the time Bull tied you into a pretzel."

Tied--? "I have real questions about this Bull person."

"Oh, we all have questions," Harry says. "That's what makes him so great."

"So...he tied me into a pretzel?"

"To be fair, he usually doesn't lose his temper like that," Harry says. "Let me set the scene."

Dan closes his eyes and lets Harry do the remembering for him.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry wakes up disoriented, not sure where he is or why he's sleeping sitting up. Then the warmth of someone pressed against his side reminds him.

Dan is still leaning against him, tucked into Harry's arm as though they've sat like this all their lives. Harry smiles a little, remembering how awkward Dan had been with him when they'd first met, how reluctant he was to touch or hug. _So we're not starting from scratch. Some part of him knows enough to be comfortable with me._ Harry finds that reassuring. It's nice to have Dan close...to know that he's okay. Harry's never been able to help worrying about people he cares about.

Dan stirs, mumbling something unintelligible.

"Morning," Harry says.

"Mm," Dan says, opening his eyes enough to squint at Harry.

"How do you feel?"

"Compared to what?"

"Yesterday," Harry says. "Your head hurt then. Is it better or worse?"

Dan considers the question for a moment. "Better. It's like...the echo of yesterday's headache. Not gone, but almost."

"Good."

Dan tips his head slightly to one side, smiling at Harry. "Have you been here all this time?"

"Didn't want to wake you," Harry says, returning the smile.

"Mmm." Dan closes his eyes for a minute. "I'd ask you to stay there a little longer but you've probably lost all feeling in your arm."

Harry shrugs. "Who needs feeling in their arms?"

That makes Dan laugh as he starts to push himself upright. "Thank you." He stays seated for a moment, clearly testing whether he feels balanced enough to stand. Harry watches carefully, ready to spring into action if Dan guesses wrong. "Why don't I make you breakfast?"

"You, uh, remember how?" Harry asks.

Dan gives Harry an exasperated look as he stands up. "It can't be that difficult." He strides into his kitchen. "I simply open this door and remove the..." He opens a cupboard door and finds himself staring at a large supply of fettuccine boxes. "...pasta."

"Breakfast pasta. My favorite," Harry says, hoping Dan doesn't take opening the wrong cupboard as too much of a setback. He stands. "Anything I can help with?"

Dan glances at Harry over his shoulder. "If you can help me find something resembling breakfast food, I'd be grateful."

Harry nods. "I can do that. You want eggs or cereal, or...?" He notices that Dan is staring into space with a troubled look on his face. "Hey. You okay?"

Dan looks at Harry, still looking worried. "I don't know what I like."

Not for the first time, Harry wonders what it would be like to lose so much of your memory that you can't remember what you like to eat. "That's all right. We'll make an educated guess that you wouldn't buy yourself anything you hate."

"Oh." Dan looks relieved. "Of course."

Harry opens the door to the fridge and--aha! He removes a carton of eggs. "Come on. I'll show you how to crack these one-handed."

Dan raises an eyebrow, looking amused. "Involving what level of mess?"

"I'll have you know I came in second in an egg-cracking competition," Harry retorts, though secretly he's glad to see Dan joking with him. It's hard to have an existential crisis and crack jokes at the same time...not impossible, but hard.

"Who came in first?"

"Some guy who trained a dog to do it, which I thought was unfair." Harry removes a pan from a cupboard near the stove.

"Because you didn't win?"

"No, because they gave the ribbon to the trainer and not the dog."

Dan shakes his head. "You're making this up."

"Yeah," Harry confirms, cracking an egg into the frying pan one-handed. "How am I doing?"

Dan grins, leaning lazily against the refrigerator door. "Not bad."

Harry was going to ask Dan if he wanted to try the one-handed egg crack, but he kinda doesn't want Dan to move. He's in his suit from yesterday, looking messy and comfortable. Apparently messy and comfortable is Harry's catnip...and he should definitely not be thinking about that now. "I'll teach you if you want."

"Ohh, no," Dan says, shaking his head. "Not unless you want to eat eggshell."

"Extra protein's good for you."

"I'll just enjoy watching you," Dan says.

Harry's mouth works faster than his brain, and he says without thinking, "Oh, so that's what you're into." Then he glances at Dan, wondering if he's gone too far.

Dan simply smiles, a touch of wickedness in his eyes and mouth. "I was beginning to worry you didn't care what I was into."

That isn't a response Harry is prepared for, so it takes him what feels like twelve years of silence to think of what to say...how to answer without lying but also without showing all his cards.

"Well," Harry says finally, "you don't have to worry about that."

"No?" Dan's voice is so quiet that Harry doesn't dare look at him.

"No," Harry says, eyes fixed firmly on his eggs.

Dan moves behind Harry, and despite some misgivings, Harry lets him. Then he feels Dan's hands on his shoulders, and Dan is leaning forward over Harry's left shoulder, so close that their faces are almost touching. Harry can smell, very faintly, the remnants of Dan's expensive aftershave.

"I'm very relieved to hear that," Dan whispers in Harry's ear.

"I'm gonna need _you_ to keep _me_ from falling over if you do much more of that," Harry says, eyes half-closing involuntarily.

Dan gives Harry's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "Don't worry. I'll catch you."

Harry struggles to think his way through this, to rationally evaluate whether he and Dan should be doing this at all, but it's incredibly difficult to think when he's being flirted with by the one person he was sure would never want him.

"I shouldn't burn the eggs," he manages to say as his brain flails around looking for a way to buy time.

Dan takes his hands away. "Of course." He goes back to the fridge, leaning against it just as he had been. Watching.

Harry is smart enough to know that this is only a reprieve, not a pardon.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan does like eggs, it turns out, but that's almost beside the point. He wasn't being subtle with Harry just now, and Harry...Harry seemed okay with it.

Harry seems to be thinking about something too, and they eat mostly in silence until Dan says, "Can I ask you something?"

Harry looks up and gives Dan an encouraging smile. "Sure."

Dan chooses his words very, very carefully. "I'm not wrong, am I? You are..." He slides his hand over to bump against Harry's. "...interested?"

"Yeah," Harry says, expression shifting to something more serious. "I'm interested."

But Dan isn't sensing a lot of enthusiasm here. "Isn't that good?"

Harry smiles, but this time it looks like someone smiling at his own misfortunes. "Mostly." He meets Dan's eyes. "To be honest, I never thought you would...and I'm still not sure."

Dan's not sure why Harry thinks he doesn't mean this. "I wasn't joking before."

"Oh, I know that," Harry says. "It's just...the old you had a very active love life. One that wouldn't include me."

"But he didn't know what I know."

"It's consent, Dan. I don't get...intimately involved with someone until I know they can consent."

Dan's trying not to be insulted by this. "You think my judgment is impaired?"

"You've known me less than twenty-four hours," Harry says quietly. "You might remember you don't like me much."

Dan finds that unlikely, but he stays quiet. Harry seems pretty decided on this point already. "So tell me where the limits are. Something like how we slept...is that off-limits?" He can see the affection in Harry's expression at the mention of their sleeping together, which is reassuring.

"No," Harry says. "I think most clothes-on activities are okay."

"Clothes-on activities," Dan says dryly. "You are a romantic."

Harry stares at his eggs. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Shit. "I didn't mean...I'm sorry."

Harry looks at Dan. "Anything more intimate...you need to remember me and still want it."

Dan nods slowly. "What if I don't remember? Ever?"

Harry covers Dan's hand with his own. "Then we'll figure it out."

Dan wonders if he actually wants to get his memory back. What if he's a terrible person? What if he's a terrible person who doesn't like Harry? Can amnesia make you like someone you wouldn't ordinarily like? Dan doesn't know how this kind of thing works--and if he used to know, he doesn't remember.

After breakfast, he and Harry poke through his apartment, trying to come up with something that will stir a memory--Harry's idea, not Dan's. Dan doesn't think there's anything here that will make him remember anything.

Harry pulls out a plastic-wrapped record from what is apparently Dan's record collection with a snort. "I see you really enjoyed the Christmas present I gave you."

Dan shrugs. "I'd have to listen to it not to like it."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Lawyer."

"Judge." Dan crosses to Harry, peering at the album. The cover gives no clues about what kind of music is on the record inside; it's a red cover with the words TOP DRAWER - GEORGE SHEARING - MEL TORME in gold. "Who are they? Singers?"

"Is Mel Torme a singer?" Harry looks shocked down to his bones. "Mel Torme is the _greatest_ singer of all time. And George Shearing is a pianist."

Dan nods as though he'd known that all along, wondering why it's more surprising that Dan doesn't remember Mel Torme than that he doesn't remember his own address. "Sure."

Harry shakes his head. "I can't stand leaving Mel Torme in plastic wrap like this. Come on. Let's take the wrapper off and actually listen to it. If you still hate it, I promise we can stop."

"Okay," Dan says. He can't remember music, so he might as well listen to this kind.

Harry hurries to Dan's record player, looking at the back of the record and shaking his head. "I'm skipping to the last song on side one."

"Means nothing to me," Dan says.

Harry cues the record to the end of the song before his favorite. Then he hustles Dan over to the sofa. "Come on. This is the kind of song you have to listen to with your eyes closed."

Dan was unaware that kind of song existed, but Harry clearly cares about this, so Dan is willing to try. He sits next to Harry on the sofa and closes his eyes.

"And now the purple dusk of twilight time/steals across the meadows of my heart," the singer--Mel Torme--begins. Dan immediately understands why Harry suggested closing his eyes; he can almost see the purple color the song describes in his mind's eye. The song is beautiful...but much more sad and wistful than anything Dan had imagined as Harry's favorite. When the song ends, Dan opens his eyes to look at Harry, who's still clearly transported by the song.

"It's good," Dan says quietly.

Harry turns to look at Dan, delighted. "Yeah?"

Dan nods, taking Harry's hand in his. "We can listen to more if you want. Or that one again."

Harry gives Dan's hand a squeeze. "I didn't think you'd like it."

"It's the best song I ever heard," Dan deadpans.

"Wow, that's..." But Harry catches the joke almost immediately. "Because it's the only song you've ever heard?"

Dan can't keep a joke going at Harry's expense. "No. Not just because of that."

Harry looks at him for a long moment. "Want me to play it again?"

Dan nods. Something about the romantic melancholy of the song suits his mood.

They listen to it again, hand in hand.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry does have to leave eventually, although he'd rather stay with Dan.

"You should come to the courthouse tonight," Harry suggests. "See if anything there brings your memories back."

Dan shakes his head. "Nothing here did."

"Well...maybe the courthouse is more your home than this place," Harry suggests.

Dan gives Harry a dubious look. "You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?"

"Yup," Harry says, at once chagrined that he's been found out and pleased that Dan's powers of perception have remained intact.

Dan smiles a little. "Me too." He hesitates. "Since I'm not sure which courthouse..."

"I'll come get you," Harry promises.

Dan can't hide a faintly smug smile. "That's what I like to hear."

Harry refrains from saying _I like you like this._ But he thinks it.

"Well," Harry says, "I have a few things to do before court's in session." He starts for the door.

"Hey," Dan says, catching Harry's hand.

Harry turns expectantly.

"Hurry back," Dan says, and the amount of desire and promise he can fit into just two words is mindboggling.

"Yeah," Harry says, his mouth suddenly dry. "You bet."

There is a charged moment where Harry is sure both of them want to kiss, but neither one wants to move first. So instead they just stand there, waiting for the other one to move. Harry realizes it's going to be up to him to keep them further apart than he wants them to be, because Dan doesn't see any problem with doing absolutely anything with Harry.

So he clears his throat. "Well, I'd better go."

Dan drops his head. "Yeah. See you later."

Harry knows it's cruel to do what he's doing, but he thinks the alternative would be crueler yet.

Dan is waiting for Harry when Harry arrives, responding to Harry's knock by leaving the house. He's wearing one of his standard three-piece suits, looking far less rumpled than he did this morning, although he hasn't quite styled his hair in the same way. In fact, if Harry had to guess, Dan hasn't styled his hair at all, and that's why it looks different.

"Nice suit," Harry says.

Dan shrugs. "It's what I had on from yesterday, so I figured it's what I wear to work." He glances down at his tie. "It's funny. I don't remember how to tie this, but my fingers do." He gives Harry a conspiratorial look. "I wonder what else they remember."

If this is the tone Dan's going to take, tonight's going to be a wilder ride than usual. But there's nothing wrong with flirting, right?

"You can show me later," Harry says. "Right now we'd better get to work."

Dan looks immensely satisfied. "Of course. After you."

Harry wonders if everyone at work is going to notice how Dan has changed...and how Harry has changed in response.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan is feeling very nervous by the time Harry returns to go with him to court, and it's not because he's with Harry again. Well...it's not _only_ for that reason. He's going back to a place where everyone knows him, or the him that used to be, and he doesn't know anyone. He's only heard the stories that Harry chose to tell him, and maybe stories of one of the bailiffs making a pretzel out of him wasn't the most comforting thing Harry could've shared.

They go to Harry's office first.

"Now, as far as I'm concerned, you can just stay here," Harry says. "People are in and out of this place all night, so you can catch up with whoever's here if you'd rather not face the whole courtroom at once."

Dan appreciates Harry's kindness and care, and is tempted to take him up on his offer...but part of him is afraid that if he doesn't go back into the courtroom right away, he'll never work up the courage to go back. "Thank you, but there's no sense in my avoiding things I'll have to go back to sooner or later." He's not thinking about what will happen if his legal knowledge doesn't return because that's too overwhelming to consider right now. He has to believe that it'll come back...even if he isn't sure he wants everything about the old him to come back.

"Okay," Harry says. "But if you need a break, this place is always open to you."

Dan gives Harry a warm smile. "Thank you."

There's a knock on the door, and Harry looks at Dan, eyebrows raised. "Ready to face the hordes?"

"Horde away," Dan says, hoping the humor will hide how terrified he is.

"Come in," Harry calls.

A friendly-looking woman pokes her head into the office. "Hi. Is this okay?"

Dan smiles at her. "Hi. I'm Dan, but we've probably already met."

The woman smiles back. "Hi, Dan. I'm Christine, the public defender."

She seems nice. "Hi, Christine. It's nice to meet you. Again." There's a slight pause, during which Christine seems to be waiting for something. Dan clears his throat uncomfortably. "We're...not dating, are we?"

Christine turns to Harry. "Can we keep him this way?"

"Christine," Harry says.

"Wow. I was that nice to you, huh?" Dan grimaces. After Flo's, Harry's, and Christine's initial reactions to him, he's beginning to get the idea that maybe the normal version of him isn't that great a guy.

Christine seems to belatedly realize what she's implied, and how that could be taken as an insult. "Oh...no! You were...you were..."

"It's okay. You can tell me," Dan says.

"You were making constant passes at me and I didn't like it," Christine says, all in a rush.

Dan blinks. "Oh. That's...I'm sorry." 

Christine looks at him as though she's never seen him before in his life. " _Thank_ you."

Dan glances at Harry. "Maybe she's right. Maybe it's better if I don't remember."

"I wasn't saying I wanted you to lose your whole past," Christine says gently. "It's just that you're really different."

"So I've been told," Dan says.

"I think the important thing is that you're making new memories now," Harry says. "So even if your old memories do come back, you've got a new perspective on things."

Dan can't help smiling. "Are you always this optimistic?"

"No," Harry says. "But I try."

A man with an aesthetically...interesting...sweater and shirt combination enters the room. "Your Honor, are you just about ready?" Then he notices Dan. "Hey! Dan! Glad to see you back."

At least someone is glad to see him, or can pretend he's glad well enough to fool Dan. "Thank you...um..." But there's no name in his memory to attach to this man's face. 

The man's expression grows sympathetic. "Christine told us. You still don't remember, huh?"

Dan shakes his head. "I'm sorry."

"Don't sweat it." The man sticks his hand out. "I'm Mac. Court clerk."

Dan shakes hands with Mac, grateful for Mac's attempt to make this as normal as possible. "Thank you."

"I take it you probably won't be our prosecutor today?" Mac says.

"I think that's a safe assumption," Dan says. "No, I'll be watching on the sidelines and hoping to be reminded of something."

Mac nods. "Okay. You need anything, you let us know."

"Thank you." Dan hadn't known what to expect from coming back here, but everyone is being surprisingly welcoming. Even if he wasn't so nice a person before, they still seem to like him, which feels really good.

"All right," Harry says. "Let's get court in session."

The four of them leave Harry's office and head for the courtroom, which feels oddly familiar. Dan hopes that's a good sign.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry thinks he’s doing a great job appearing professional and not glancing over to check on Dan every two minutes. It’s something of a shock to him when Mac approaches during the first recess of the night and says, “So, what’s going on with you and Dan?”

Harry feigns ignorance first. “What do you mean?”

“Come on. He’s been watching you all night,” Mac says, gesturing to Dan.

Harry turns, and it’s true. Dan is watching Harry with a dreamy smile on his face. He waves to Harry and Mac, and Harry and Mac wave back.

“So?” Mac says. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Harry says.

Mac folds his arms. “Uh-huh.”

“And nothing’s going to happen till he’s feeling better.” Harry pauses. “Do you think everyone knows?”

“I’d be surprised if anyone else noticed,” Mac says, clearly trying to make Harry feel better.

Bull approaches the bench. “So, you and Dan, Your Honor?”

Harry grimaces. “Bull, I’d like to keep our personal lives personal.”

“Probably shouldn’t have invited your boyfriend to court then,” Bull says with a nod.

“Dan’s not embarrassed,” Mac says. “Why are you?”

“I’m not,” Harry says. “But when he’s back to normal, he...” He stops short of what he was gonna say.

Mac looks sympathetic. “He won’t want us to know?”

“I don’t think he’ll want me to know either,” Harry says. “You’ve seen how different he is.”

“Yeah,” Bull says. “Usually he sits over there.” Bull gestures to the prosecutor’s seat.

“It’s like he doesn’t have anyone’s expectations to live up to anymore, so he just...is,” Mac says. “He doesn’t care what he looks like, and he doesn’t care about being smarter than everyone else in the room.”

Harry thinks Mac is right. This is a Dan who doesn’t remember that he wants to seem flashy and upper-crust, or like a ladies’ man; this Dan doesn’t even remember that he’s interested in Christine, which, quite frankly, took Harry by surprise. Dan’s lost his guiding principles along with his memory, so now he has no idea who he wanted to be. And Harry’s caught in a trap; he can’t be with this Dan because it wouldn’t be ethical, but the Dan he can be with won’t want to be with him.

Not that he should be thinking about any of this now. “Bull, if you wouldn’t mind getting things rolling...”

Bull looks excited. “Sure! You want me to ask him out to dinner for you?”

“Court things, Bull,” Harry says. “Besides, if I were going to ask him, I’d find the courage to do it myself.”

“Okay,” Bull says, completely unfazed. He returns to his usual post.

“You wanna ask him out?” Mac asks.

“What I want doesn’t matter right now,” Harry says.

Mac nods, understanding at least some of what Harry isn’t saying. “Yeah.”

“All rise,” Bull says. “Criminal court part 2 is now in session, the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.”

Harry picks up his favorite gavel and gets back to work. That’s the only choice he knows how to make at the moment.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan’s watching what must be at least the fifteenth case of the night when something starts sort of...buzzing in the back of his head. The prosecutor (Dan didn’t catch his name) is making a case against a cab driver, but something’s wrong about it. The something...the standard. The legal standard. The prosecutor’s making the wrong legal argument for this case because he’s using the wrong legal standard. The cab driver’s going to get off easy because the prosecutor isn’t making the best case possible.

“No,” Dan hears himself saying. “No, no, no!”

Harry looks over at him, surprised. “Is there a problem?”

The question sets Dan’s mouth moving at a pace Dan’s thoughts are barely matching. “Yes, there’s a problem! The prosecutor’s arguing negligence when he _should_ be arguing recklessness! A reasonable person would clearly have understood that driving under those circumstances...” He stops suddenly because he remembers. He _remembers._

Harry...Judge Stone...is looking at him. For a moment, Dan feels as though he’s seeing double, because this is the judge that he jokes with and kisses up to, and at the same time, this is Harry. His Harry. What has he done?

Without another word, Dan stumbles out of his seat and leaves the courtroom altogether.

He locks himself in a bathroom stall, thoughts and memories tumbling one over the other. He remembers everything he’d forgotten, but he remembers the last few days too...how everyone has been treating him, how kind and solicitous everyone has been. How Harry has been. _I told him. How could I tell him? I told him!_ And now Harry knows everything. How can Dan face him in court after this?

The bathroom door swings open, and Dan hears the sound of footsteps on tile. He’s almost certain he knows whose they are, and closes his eyes when Harry speaks and he’s proven right.

“Dan?” Harry says quietly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan says, feeling a pang of guilt at the lie. _Get out there and face him. You can’t hide from him forever._ Dan forces himself to unlock the stall door and come out. “See?”

“Were you sick?” Harry asks. How can Harry be this decent? Dan almost wishes he weren’t.

“No,” Dan says. “My, uh, my memories came back. Sort of...all at once.”

Harry nods sympathetically. “Sounds like a lot.”

“It is,” Dan says. “I’m still processing everything.”

“Sure,” Harry says. He inclines his head in the direction of the courtroom. “I should get back. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Thank you,” Dan says.

Harry pats Dan’s shoulder, smiling at him. He turns to leave, then hesitates and turns back. “Listen, Dan. However you want to feel about...how we’ve been the last day or so, it’s okay.”

“Really?” Dan asks, surprised that Harry would even bring it up.

Harry nods. “Yeah. Whatever you decide.” He gives Dan a small, awkward wave and leaves the room.

Well, that doesn't help. At all.

***

Dan paces back and forth in the bathroom until he’s memorized all the stains in the grout. He tries to pace in the hallway, but the shoeshine boy keeps looking at him suspiciously. He’s probably been warned; Dan thinks all the shoeshine boys are probably warned about his tendency not to pay these days. Part of Dan sees no problem with this, but the part of Dan that’s been awake and around and making all his decisions for the past day is utterly horrified. Dan isn’t used to this weird feeling of split perception, nor is he used to the majority of his mind holding his past actions up to less-than-favorable scrutiny. It’s like hitting his head turned his conscience on, and he can’t turn it off. He’s so mixed up he’s not even sure he wants to turn it off.

Dan is halfway down another hallway when he hears music, and he stops. He takes a few steps toward the sound, because he recognizes it. It’s “Stardust,” and it’s coming from Harry’s office.

After a brief, silent war with himself, Dan follows the song to Harry’s door, hesitating. When the song ends, there’s a moment’s silence, but Harry must’ve stood up and restarted the record player, because after a moment, “Stardust” starts again. Dan raises his hand to knock, but instead pushes the door open. Somehow he’s sure it won’t be locked, and it isn’t.

“Someone told me this is the kind of song you have to listen to with your eyes closed,” Dan says from the doorway.

Harry turns to look at Dan. “Good advice.”

Dan gestures to the record player. “Were you, ah, summoning me?”

Harry looks at the record player, smiling slightly. “No. I just...wanted a minute with my memories.”

“Should I go?”

“No!” The word comes out so abruptly that it startles Harry too. “I’d like you to stay. If you want to.”

Dan nods, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. He can feel his heart pounding through his whole body. “Are you scared?”

Harry looks surprised by the question. “Of what?”

“Of me.” Dan gestures from himself to Harry and back. “Of this.” He shouldn’t be saying this. He shouldn’t be this open, but somehow, he’s forgotten how to be any other way with Harry. He’s changed and he can’t change back.

“No,” Harry says. “Are you?”

“Yes.” Dan bites off the word as though it might attack him if he doesn’t get it out quickly enough.

Harry stands. “I’m really not that scary. I’m not even as tall as Bull.”

That makes Dan laugh in spite of himself, which he’s sure is what Harry intended. “That’s hardly a fair comparison. Paul Bunyan isn’t as tall as Bull.”

Harry moves toward Dan. “I won’t hurt you. Promise.”

Dan’s breath catches in his throat. Is that what he’s been afraid of? “I know, but I—I don’t know how to—”

“Me neither,” Harry says quietly. He’s standing right in front of Dan now, looking at him so calmly. Dan doesn’t know how anyone could be calm in a situation like this. He’s not calm. He’s a wreck. “But I’d like to try. Would you?”

“Yes.” The word tears itself out of Dan before Dan knows it’s going to. He’s almost shaking. It’s utterly nauseating to be this vulnerable...and yet, there’s some part of him that isn’t uncomfortable at all. He wishes that part would step in and take charge of all this.

“Well, then.” Harry reaches out, resting a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan leans into the touch for a moment and then, gingerly, moves forward. “Can I...I want to...”

“Yeah,” Harry says.

Dan hugs Harry, closing his eyes tightly. He wants this. He chooses this.

Harry hugs him back, and Dan can’t help noticing that Harry gives excellent hugs. He always did, but Dan feels less awkward about noticing that now.

“Are you okay?” Harry asks, speaking softly in Dan’s ear.

Dan nods, not quite trusting his voice at this juncture.

“Want to have dinner sometime?” Harry asks hopefully.

Dan smiles, pulling back just enough so he can look at Harry. “Come over to my place. I’ll make you eggs.”

“I’ll make them if I get to see you lean against the refrigerator,” Harry says with a grin.

“Did anyone ever tell you you have very unusual kinks?” Dan asks.

“No. Tell me again,” Harry deadpans.

Dan laughs, and then it strikes him how close he and Harry are...how very close. The same realization seems to reach Harry at approximately the same time.

“You know,” Dan whispers, “I remember now, so we can do...anything you want.”

Harry nods, distracted. “I have a list.”

“Then let’s get started,” Dan says, and he doesn’t have time to say anything else, because Harry’s mouth is crushed against his and, oh. Oh yes. He’s been waiting for this a long time. Hands, mouths, bodies, _uhh._

Harry can clearly feel Dan's excitement, because he pulls back just enough to say, “You could at least wait until I’ve got your pants off.”

“Pardon me, but I really couldn’t,” Dan retorts, and then they’re both smiling. 

Dan goes in for a kiss this time, and it’s just as good as the first one. He reaches out to rumple Harry’s hair, and Harry _shivers_ under the touch. Tonight is going to be _good._ Dan wonders if he can snag enough of Harry’s attention that Harry won’t notice when Mel Torme stops singing. Maybe that’s better as a long-term goal. Dan isn’t sure.

One thing Dan is sure of, however, is that right now, here with Harry, for the first time in a long time, Dan knows not just who he wants to be, but who he is. And for maybe the first time ever, who he wants to be and who he is are almost the same person. They’re not exactly the same person, but that may be just as well. If they were, what would he have to look forward to? Well, that’s a silly question at the moment. Dan has a lot to look forward to.

He’s going to start with the next ten minutes.


End file.
